Resolve conflicts without putting kids in
the middle. This requires being objective about your children's needs (and not
confusing them with your own) and compromising when the situation warrants.
Stick with a conflict until it's resolved; don't let a problem fester and then
punish the other parent passive-aggressively or be difficult in unrelated
situations.
Treat the other parent with respect. This
goes a long way toward easing your relations with your former partner. It also
provides a good model for your children; more than we are willing to admit, our
children imitate our behavior. Disrespect toward the other parent will be played
out by the child. It's important for a child's healthy development to have
respect for authority figures, including both parents.
Observe appropriate boundaries. When it
comes to your kids, it's sometimes difficult to tell yourself what they're doing
with the other parent "is none of my business." But if an activity won't harm
them physically or psychologically, it probably is none of your business.
Recognize it's okay, maybe even good, for children to learn different ways of
doing things. It's almost certain that the other parent won't do everything your
way.
Communicate regularly with the other parent.
There's lots to share. When children are small, the other parent needs to know
the basics when parenting responsibilities are being transferred. Has the child
eaten? Gone to the bathroom recently? Does he or she need more sleep or a bath?
When children are older, both parents need to know about school activities,
sports events and trips out of town. It's good to get into a regular habit of
checking in with each other on the days when parenting is shared. A
worst-possible scenario is that lack of communication could lead to a child not
being picked up after school or day care, or important medical treatment being
disrupted.
Demonstrate positive conflict resolution.
Don't try to hide conflicts when they arise. Children generally know more about
what's going on than we give them credit for. Use conflict as an opportunity to
show kids how to resolve issues in a responsible manner. Paul puts it this way:
"Don't step into the ring without taking time to cool off."
Share with your co-parent what you need from
him or her to do a good job of parenting. In our case, a regular schedule is
important to Paul. He likes to know he has time he can count on with his son,
Frequent schedule changes are disruptions he finds particularly irritating,
especially when it involves "telephone tag." I like to know I can depend on Paul
to pick up Nick when he says he will. Everyone has different requirements for
support. Be sure to be clear with the other parent about yours, and take time to
inquire about his or hers. In our experience, guessing hasn't been very
productive.
Don't allow all of the parenting tasks to
fall to one parent Typically, things that are out of balance don't work well.
Work at sharing parenting chores as equally as possible. Don't hoard tasks and
act like a martyr, and don't expect the other parent to be in charge of all of
the communicating, all of the extra purchases for your child or all of the
discipline.
Be consistent - to the extent possible - in
disciplining, feeding and caring for your child. This makes transitions from one
household to another easier, thus minimizing the outbursts from children after
visits with the other parent. Respect each other's parenting approaches, and
recognize that while consistency is optimal, differences are okay. Children are
able to distinguish that something that's okay at Dad's house may not be okay at
Morn's, not because one parent is bad or wrong, but because the two parents are
different.
Help your children recognize the other
parent with appropriate gifts or cards. These express your children's sentiments
and make them feel good about themselves when they're praised for their
thoughtfulness. Take the time to help your children make or pick out holiday and
birthday gifts for the other parent. Recognizing Mother's and Father's Day are
particularly important because other relatives aren't involved in celebrating
these days.
Don't punish your in-laws by keeping your
kids from them after a divorce. Your in-laws are probably as disappointed as you
and your former partner about the dissolution of your relationship. Grandparents
can be a child's greatest cheerleaders; don't hurt your children and yourself by
cutting off visits with them. In many cases, grandparents also provide back-up
child care; this isn't something any single parent should give up willingly.
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